chapstick, chapped lips and things like chemistry

only hymns upon your lips

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:45:16 GMT

Less than a month until this thesis thing is due. It's difficult to focus on anything besides the possibilities of next semester and after next semester. It feels like the difficult part will be getting there, but then I think clearly again. The difficult part will be the decisions of what the hell I plan to be and do and how much I want to be with Mika doing it and the fact that I haven't mentioned yet to my parents that so far, the only plan doesn't include them or Stockton. Sometimes it surprises me how quickly my home changed.

Daylight savings time has screwed me up. It's dark except for a raw pink sunset outside my window. It's 5:23. Who came up with this idea anyway? It mostly just makes people sadder earlier in the day, I think.

Halloween decorations are still up. I occasionally have the compulsion to sing to Christmas songs. It's this weird in-between month of November that doesn't feel real. These months always feel longer.

There's all these things I should be doing. I register for classes this week. The last time I'll register for classes at Mills. It feels like I am tipsy - everything is so close up and so far away all at the same time. And I'm just sitting here doing nothing waiting for Mika to text me that she is back home. I have an application for an NPR internship that I should fill out. I should email Sarah to let her know I'll be leaving class early on Thursday. I should clean, probably. I love my room but I feel the least connected to it this year. Maybe because I have other places to be - the living room, the kitchen. But I think also I just haven't put much work into it since I got here. It feels like it hasn't been evolving and growing with me. I think I have worked at my desk once. But I have clean towels, so I guess that's progress.

tired for days and days

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:13:05 GMT

In brief (ish):

I have so much to do.
I hate relying on other people...for anything.
I don't like asking for help...ever.
I just want to yell at all the editors because they can't fucking email me a story.
I can't stand the fact that whether or not Max, Jennifer and I end up having a horrible week depends on other people having their shit together. And this has happened for 8 out of 15 weeks this semester.
I am beyond happy that this is the last issue.
I don't want to give out awards to outgoing editors at the newspaper dinner because I don't think anyone deserves one.
I just want to lay on my bed and watch Gossip Girl.
In two weeks I will be done and back home and it will be great, but I will be further away from Mika and that means I have to spend money to see Mika and I don't have any money and I have to get a job and I have to do research and I have to make the next three months productive in some way and I should get an internship and I already should have had an internship and I should be applying for things and I should figure something out and I should have a plan for the future and I should put together an answer other than "uhhhmmm" for the question of, "what are you going to do after you graduate?" and all I want to do is sit.

then grace is within you

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:59:47 GMT

I can't believe that Spring Break is in 14 days. I know, all I post about on here is how quickly time passes. But it's true.

I'm sick. Mika is on her way. I can't wait to have her next to me.

The Painted Veil made me really scared of cholera. But Edward Norton is still beautiful throwing up.

I'm also trying to use Twitter correctly. I don't think it's going very well. But for some reason, Jimmy Eat World is now following me. Or, the people who control Jimmy Eat World's Twitter. My goal in life for this moment is to have Tegan and Sara follow me. Wouldn't that be glorious?

The L Word is ending on Sunday night. I'm going to miss it, even though I don't think I've ever actually watched a new episode while it was premiering on television. Sidereel is my best friend. Who killed Jenny? Honestly, I think Jenny killed herself.

Or maybe Shane did it. She's a bad ass.

between two lungs it was released

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 00:30:55 GMT

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Have sex, go to a protest, and get straight A-'s in college classes.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I remember liking my new years' resolutions, and liking them enough that I actually posted them, but I don't actually remember how they all worked out. I have been trying really hard with the toothpaste one though. Seriously. But that toothpaste can sometimes be a real bitch.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hmm...not exactly close to me. Violet's sister-in-law gave birth. Oh, and Amelia got a beautiful baby sister, Maureen.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, again thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?
United States. No more or less than last year.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Revolution/ any actual activism or feeling like I'm making something better for someone (Harvey is continuing to recruit me), better communication and more Netflix usage. I've had Nosferatu for the last two in a half months and I feel like a real ass-hat about it.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Nov. 4 - simultaneous excitement and joy mixed with a large plate of sadness.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Opening up - to new experiences, new people, new ways of being. And enjoying all of it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmmm...choosing to take Comparative Politics? Fuck me, that class was a waste of time and money.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. Unless that bladder infection counts. Ha.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I love buying things. Um...i didn't actually buy it, but my Blackberry is so super awesome I want to bow down to it every night. But instead I just plug it in and watch as the light switches off after about 30 seconds.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Our pec-tacular president-elect, Mika for staying with me even after she saw me throw up (seriously, so not cute) and my parents for being possibly the coolest, calmest and most enviably open to their daughter telling them, "Um, you know Mika? Yea...she's my girlfriend."

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Yes on 8 supporters, Sarah Palin, and that guy who shot someone for talking during Benjamin Button. Oh, and Tim. (Two years in a row, maybe he'll get a medal soon.)

14. Where did most of your money go?
To be genuinely honest, Ashland and Mika. I must have made something like $1,000 this summer. Where in God's name did it all go? Oh, and because I just read Amanda's post - food. If food were free we would all be billionaires.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The election...which I guess everybody did to some extent.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Jason Mraz - After an Afternoon
Florence and the Machine - Between Two Lungs
Sylvester - You Make Me Feel Mighty Real

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier. Last year I was freaking out about someone else calling me when I already had a wonderful person I had been talking to for hours every night. Compared to this time last year, I feel loved, secure, confident in my emotions and excited for the future.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Activism, exercising, reading what I was supposed to, and living in the moment.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending money, thinking about doing things that I know I will not accomplish and worrying about proving myself to people.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with the family, reading my new Ondaatje and at night playing Disney Trivial Pursuit.

21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
At my friend Cynthia's house...lasagna, drinks and hopefully not Dick Clark's Rocking New Year with Ryan Seacrest. Ick.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Gossip Girl, Weeds, The Office. (So, I just put the same three shows that I posted last year in a different order. I am officially ridiculous.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't want to call it hate...it's just extreme anger.

26. What was the best book you read?
The English Patient. I know it sounds all sad and horrible but seriously, Michael Ondaatje can write the shit out of a sentence.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Florence and The Machine, Santogold.

28. What did you want and got?
A Blackberry (Thanks for the help, Max!)

29. What did you want but didn't get?
World peace. Oh, and that Barbie dreamhouse.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Milk, The Happening and (NOT) The Strangers.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20...it was very low-key because it was a Tuesday and I just went to class and enjoyed people telling me Happy Birthday. But my presents were awesome - Jason Mraz, Spring Awakening, Twelfth Night - a birthday present line-up for the ages, I must say.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Prop. 8 not passing.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Thinking about wearing a skirt, but just putting on jeans instead.

34. What kept you sane?
All of the beautiful, wonderful and amazing M's in my life (especially Mika who is somehow able to center me with just a few short words), Jason Mraz, watching Nancy Botwin spiral worse than me, and the occasional L Word episode I was able to download on my computer.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ellen Page. I watched Juno a few days ago and she's still on my mind.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Same-sex marriage.

37. Who did you miss?
Mika (i have codependency issues, i know) and Spinooti.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Um, I really don't know if this is even accurate, but Katy Donovan. Did I know her at this time last year? Was she just becoming Managing? I think I knew her, kindof, but I didn't really know her very much. She has the uncanny ability to always say something so silly with such conviction - it is pricelessly hilarious.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
"My advice is to find someone who loves you for exactly who you really are. Good mood, bad mood, pretty, ugly. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass."
oh, and
It's okay to trust people. Which sounds like I'm some teenage emo boy, but it's true.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

and the breathlessness as we run

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:52:16 GMT

The swirl of weeks doesn't seem to stop. One day it's September and then it's October and then it's Halloween and then my Mom is calling me telling me about ordering a turkey for Thanksgiving. I spend nights sleeping (alone, in my room, only when forced) and days doing shotty reading of assignments, sloppily studying for tests that amazingly come back with things like 91/100 or A- on them. Hell, I'm not complaining.

We got a new President, gays and lesbians lost the right to marry in California and still time keeps going on, incessantly. I feel like I haven't been able to process much of what has happened in the last month. It's all just a blur of days right now. Not an unpleasant blur, but definitely unfocused and often unproductive until the very last moment that I can get away with it. And so until Christmas it's just going to be holding on to moments as I can, finding my way through the last two productions and doing some hopefully more focused studying for finals.

I can't help but feel like almost everything is different from last semester. There are things that are the same....same newspaper production schedule - breathing easy on in-between weeks and then steeling myself for spending more time in the office then a part-time job would require. The classes are different, but still have that same feeling. The same 2-3 hours of hesitation before I pump out another assignment. But there's just a lot of smaller, more significant things that are different. There's a feeling of security that seems to be gone. A sense of intimacy that is lost. It's like talking and sitting and hanging out is all of a sudden so much more difficult than it used to be. Now it's all planning and canceling and backing out and changing all the time.

Last thing's last: I officially didn't get the Chronicle internship, because they were supposed to call me by today for a phone interview if I was a finalist. And although they're not the New York Times or anything, I can't imagine a group of reporters are going to be cavalier about a deadline. It's not that I thought I was going to get it or anything it was just that I gave myself the hope. Now I'm just left to sit and think about how even though I had an in (a Pulitzer-Prize nominated in, btw) she still couldn't make them want me around for 10-12 weeks this summer.

oh to the season of my heart

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 20:00:15 GMT

I'm sitting here, pretending to be working. Mika's napping on my bed. The last week has been good, possibly because I have done very little of my assigned reading and it wasn't production.

Sometimes I think about the paper in less than positive ways and the thought of even attempting to be editor-in-chief makes me want to throw up a little. I've been thinking about Ireland, and how I always imagined studying abroad there while I was in college. I gave up on that idea about a year ago, realizing that being gone for a semester would completely put me out of the running of, well, running the paper. I tell myself I'll go there after I graduate, I'll get there, I'll do it someday. And that the paper is more important right now, that I have a commitment to it and that I'm dedicated and that it will help me get to where I want to be. But lately I've been having a little nagging thought, stuck in the back of my mind wherever I go - is it worth it? Is any of this worth it?

From day to day I'm fine, there's sometimes just moments where I have to remind myself that this is the life I'm living. Part of my mind I think is still back in senior year, applying to colleges. I saw a Willamette calendar in the library yesterday and I thought, "Willamette! That's right! Maybe I can go there!" What am I thinking? I am where I am and I'm two years in and there's no turning back and in a rush everything comes back and I realize I am a junior in college and the time is already gone gone gone and I can't go back. Sometimes I just want to hop on Mr. Dark's carousel and ride it backwards about 3 years and rethink things. And then I bring it all back into focus and I realize that I want all the things I have gotten from the last two years (some more achingly and intensely then others) and I just have to admit that I'm in a bit of a rut. An almost-20 rut.

"i was in love with a place, in my mind...in my mind."

elbows and exposed knees

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 03:55:11 GMT

This year so far has been so confusing, so disorienting. I haven't been able to find a groove. When I'm having fun, it's nice and when I'm in class it's interesting but I get back into my room and it still feels lonely, still not fully comfortable. When Mika isn't here filling it up with me it feels half empty - or more like three-quarters empty. I feel like I'm not taking up enough space, like maybe I'd be more comfortable in my closet...in a place with less room to breathe. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm just trying to focus on each moment as it passes by me, trying not to over-analyze what this means for the rest of my semester or how I can deal with this without having to actually say anything out loud. My current plan is to just take some deep breaths, blast some Jason Mraz and suck down the first iced mocha I can find -- Nancy Botwin style. And possibly to wear a dress tomorrow. Because that always makes me feel better.

In other news...Irish Nationalism is lovely. Sure, it's a ridiculous amount of note-taking and some of the reading is hideously difficult to get through but I am so glad I'm in the class. It feels like fun learning for the first time in awhile. Even if it's about a bunch of horse-fuckers.

I am also possibly co-dependent. So, that should be fun to deal with. I think I'm just lumping all my anxieties about being here and dealing with everything in with my desire to be with Mika. I know I need her around, but the thought of her leaving shouldn't send me into a panic spiral. So, to curb the panic, I am just focusing on right now, right this second. And maybe losing myself in some Irish history. Because Rory O'Connor probably had it way worse than I do.

never wear mauve to a ball

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 22:48:04 GMT

So, it might possibly be centuries since I have posted. This is what my summer so far has consisted of:

1. Kittens. Two months ago, they were just little "meows" we would hear coming from the bushes and now I can hold them, and pull them up by the scruff of the necks and make up ridiculous nicknames for them such as "Huckleshmucks." I love kittens. There is something about them...the furryness, the fact that it takes time for them to love you or to even like you at all whereas dogs will give you handmade Valentines after 3 seconds, the way you can feel their tiny little bodies relax and see their pupils get smaller as they start to trust you. Basically, if there is any way I can sneak a kitten into my dorm room, I may do it. But the sad tale of Elijah makes me think twice/four to six times.

2. Mika. It's impossible to describe just how much I enjoy being with her. It's things like how she teases me about putting on pajamas in the morning and how I sometimes have to catch my breath when she looks at me. It's difficult being farther away from her, but we've figured out how to deal with it so far. I know we've only been together for (almost) 7 months but it's hard not to think about being with her next year and the year after and moving in together and things like choosing paint colors and picking out bedside tables. I know that it's the whole lesbian u-hauling thing, but it is physically painful to think about making plans for the future and not include her in them. and if the last three nights of horribly fitful/entirely unrestoring sleep since she left is any indication, my future can't be without her because my daily functioning depends on her lying next to me when I wake up in the morning.

3. Carter's Pet Mart. Working at a pet store is at times the best thing and at others the worst. It's the best when a very nice lady and her sweet daughter come in and buy two rats that you have saved from a super untimely death by snake-feasting and they name the rats after you and even come in later and say they will bring you a picture of the whole family. It's the worst when the turquoise conure bites you repeatedly, the fluffy bunny scratches up your neck so badly that people at the grocery store stare at you as if you are probably a victim of domestic violence, the feeder rats eat each other from the inside out while somehow disposing of the bones just like little expert serial killers and you have to clean out caked-on, possibly months old hamster pee-corners. So, that's about all I can say about that. Oh, and all boys are perverts. My current theory is you know a guy is a man when he doesn't make strap-on jokes about dog leashes.

It has been pretty good, all in all. There's only been a little bit of the itchy feelings I'm usually bombarded with during the summer months, those that worry about how quickly time is going by and contemplate over whether I'm spending my time wisely. I don't want to care about wise, I just want to enjoy. Which is what I shall do...possibly with a margarita later, which my sister will hopefully make for me. I officially love tequila.

like a father to impress, like a mother's mourning dress

Thu, 08 May 2008 21:33:44 GMT

In a week, I'll be home. I'll be a junior in college. I'll be an hour further away from Mika. I'll be without hall parties, productions, Founders meals, shared lemons, hilariously long arguments about whether Jennifer is right about something, the sink that seemed to get smaller every time I tried to wash my face, the tolling of the Campanil telling me I'm late to work.

Is it strange that I'm going to miss it?

never mind about the goat, but we'll have kittens

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:01:12 GMT

None of my clothes fit. I hate them all.

Facebook won't load. It hasn't loaded for like two days. I haven't even looked at my facebook since Monday. I know, this seems sad and desperate and pathetic, but it is killing me that I haven't changed my status and that I have not been able to squee about The Hills on the thread and that I know that OTHER PEOPLE can get on to facebook, because i keep getting emails telling me that I have things written on my wall and the ubiquitous, "You are gay!" application reminder, but I CAN'T GET ON TO THE SITE. I am annoyed. Officially.

And Lauren is ridiculous. Curling iron + Alberta Ferretti gown = very bad/expensive consequences. I love that she was freaking out about not getting to go to the Ball when I just kept thinking, "Holy shit, Lauren! Lisa Love is going to murder you, and then still make you pay for that gown. And then when you get back to Teen Vogue she'll say, "You'll always be known as the girl who burned that Alberta Ferretti gown, Lauren." And Lauren will be all pouty and a little glassy-eyed, and she'll say, "I know...I know."

But whatever. Is anyone else having trouble with facebook? I'm ready to punch a small animal right now.

i think he just likes fruit punch, you guys

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 00:47:21 GMT

I can't believe that I have only written once in the last 8 weeks. How is that possible? That's two months. It's just like, where did that time go? Where have I been?

I've been home for a little over 24 hours. I've eaten at least 7 martini olives, attempted an Irish car bomb, put my feet in the pool, almost finished reading the longest article for PPOL, and walked 3 miles. I feel like I do this much in months over the summer. And still there's this strange feeling like I'm going back to school tomorrow...like there's no way this break could really be a week. I guess that's what I get for not visiting for 2 months.

And for some reason I'm coughing again. Maybe I am allergic to cats. Or to relaxing.

"when i was a little bit younger, the strain i was under could make me cry. now i'm a little bit older, a little bit bolder, but ever so shy. sweet darlin' come hold me, just a little bit longer, now. when things were a little bit clearer, when we got nearer, i shied from your touch. now that i know what i want, see, i think that it haunts me, i want you too much."

I love She & Him.

I miss her.

This is the most emo Saturday of recent times. And the most pronoun-filled.

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:41:33 GMT

The struggle for Irish independence HAS affected Ireland's modern system of government, but I just don't really want to write about it right now.

And wtf is up with APSA style? My Comparative Politics professor is making us use it for this paper and it's silly. You have to include the author name, year, and page number in the citation. I guess, in theory, this takes up more space, so I should be happy. But mostly I'm just annoyed. And sneezy.

"in the meantime, in between time, ain't we got fun...not much money, oh but honey, ain't we got fun...the richer get richer and the poor get - children...."

The Great Gatsby has literally taken over my life for the past 4 weeks. I'm so glad to be done with the presentations, and yet, I seem to feel like I should always be thinking about something else, now. I let myself relax, listen to some music and there's just this nagging feeling that I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. I'm hoping this goes away before Spring Break, when I plan to have nothing to do. Nothing except telling my parents that I'm dating a girl, of course.

"and I do like you, you're the lucky one...no, i'm the lucky one"

She's definitely been taking over some of my life, as well. Which is reasonable, to a point. I'd only been single for like 10 months, but I had definitely begun to forget how easily you can let yourself fall. This newly-wed feeling is pretty intense, no matter who you're dating. A couple weeks ago I had to literally remind myself to think about other things, to focus on other things. I'm starting to wake up from that, mostly because I had to or I wouldn't get anything done. I keep thinking about that horrific tarot card reading at Micaela's house over Winter Break. I won't let myself let this relationship affect everything and change it all...especially when it comes to school. Which is why I'm not at Mika's right now....I was supposed to be in Menlo Park this weekend, but I have this 8-page paper due Tuesday....which I'm not working on. Time management is a bitch.

It seems like everything is distracting me these days. Sunlight...Rilo Kiley...Clorox Disinfecting Wipes....everything makes me think of what I was doing at this time, last year. Constantly comparing and sizing up, realizing how much better things are and how much things have changed. There's something about wearing flip-flops, sunglasses, and feeling the heat of the sun on my bare arms that makes me think I don't have any responsibilities beyond laying on the grass or frolicking around campus. I think because I have had such a small amount of free time over the last 3 weeks, I keep thinking, not that wistfully, about last year, when I didn't have a job and I didn't have to be at production until the bitter end every other week and I didn't have a girlfriend. It's like, what did I do with all that time? In the words of Max, I could have been running a business, in that time. Now that I have so many other things to take up my days and nights, I feel like a 2-hour block of time alone to myself is golden. And then I think about the reading I should be doing. And die a little inside.

"sit down honey, let's kill some time. rest your head on this heart of mine. come on, honey, let's hang around, let's wreck their precious, their perfect town"

how the fuck do you know how to do this?

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 23:47:57 GMT

For today, just random thoughts, not strung together, but connected only in my head.

"When the 'Jazz History of the World' was over girls were putting their heads on men's shoulders in a puppyish, convivial way, girls were swooning backward playfully into men's arms, even into groups knowing that someone would arrest their falls - but no one swooned backward on Gatsby and no French bob touched Gatsby's shoulder and no singing quartets were formed with Gatsby's head for one link"

We'll just call it instinct. It's not really explainable any other way. And if I knew it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago. Which is not even necessarily true, but I feel like on some level it could be.

There are moments when I think about her and it feels like my whole body has just been electrocuted, like me trying to unplug my laptop charger. It's like licking a "D" battery with a lot of juice still left in it. I'm hoping that's a good thing.

But I've never been good at time management. I wish I knew how to get myself into the good kinds of messes instead of just the regular messy ones.

"ransom notes keep falling out your mouth, sick sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs..."

I'm so glad I've changed from 3 years ago. "If the guy is really that into you, he will call you, he will get over his last girlfriend, and he will notice you. Believe me, it's worth the wait." That is from a review I did in my high school newspaper of that book, "He's Just Not That Into You"...what the hell was I thinking? Believe me?! It's worth the wait?! That's the funniest, most unfortunately inaccurate thing I've ever heard. What did I know about worth? The whole article just has this mighty tone to it, like I am the wise one, giving advice to you simpletons who can't figure a relationship out. As far as I'm concerned now, we're all simpletons, we'll always be simpletons. I don't know what I thought gave me the right to sound like I knew what the hell I was talking about.

I'm cold. And shivering. And I've been sleeping with other people next to me so often over the last couple of days, I think it will be difficult to sleep alone. This is possibly the most emo thing I can imagine right now. So, kudos.

I want to go back to school, but I don't want to. I want to go back to the having something to do all the time, and my friends and the excitement of classes, but there's something hideously enchanting about having the same schedule every day of watching two episodes of The O.C. and Gilmore Girls, spending at least 3 hours in a row online and running upstairs to the kitchen to fork out a few Spanish olives from the jar. And maybe sip some of the vermouth out, too. I hope this doesn't make me a pre-alkie.

"January 17, 2008: Dear Sister, I am ensconced in a woman."

do you have any bones that need collecting?

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 04:09:18 GMT

I feel like I'm stuck in this strange land of t.v. viewing, eating whatever I see, missing things and people, trying not to think about moments and looking outside and fooling myself into the idea that it's actually summer. Maybe the first sunny day after a few storms does that to people.

I'm starting to doubt my ability to choose people to like. It seems like all I ever do is choose the people that no one likes, or who is controversial, or who is ridiculously smart and Christian, or who has kinks that are definitely illegal in several U.S. states. Do I choose people who I can never truly be happy with? Or am I just attracted to people who aren't right for me as a way to sabotage any relationship I'll ever have? Or am I just kind of freaking out because I might actually (like really, like not rebound, not maybe I'll share a soda with you and bat a few eyelashes because that's what girls do in this situation) like someone for the first time after the break-up who I might actually have a chance to be with and I don't know what I'm doing because it's a girl and I'm not actually ready to be with someone new, male or female? What the fuck...I think I'm just bored and lonely and need to get back to school to have something else to think about all day. Or maybe I'm just scared that I might like someone who isn't the ultimate player, but definitely the ultimate non-monogamist. How does that even work? How are you together, if you're not really together? I need like, an Idiot's Guide to Dating Girls. Or Not Dating Them.

So, I heard about this new show, Cashmere Mafia, which is basically Sex & the City with kids and business women and is actually made by the head writer of Sex & the City or something like that. There's also another show, Lipstick Jungle, on some other channel that is made by the writer of the book that Sex & the City is based on, Candace Bushnell. Now, there is one huge reason I chose to watch Cashmere Mafia over Lipstick Jungle. And that reason is Lucy Liu. And the other one is actually Brooke Shields, because she's on Lipstick Jungle and I have this thing where I get irritated whenever I see her face, so it was actually immediately out. But still. Lucy Liu is an awesomely huge coup for Cashmere Mafia, in my opinion. And what follows is a kind of review of the first episode...Lucy Liu's adorable freckles and all...

So, the show is not amazing, but has the potential to be good. It's set in New York (of course...if I ever make a show I swear it's going to be based in like, Modesto, or something. People have lives worth telling stories about outside of the East Coast or L.A....believe me) which add some obvious eye candy and revolves around 4 beautiful women (although, I have to say I hate Frances O'Connor's hair. It looks like she just realized bangs exist and she's not quite sure how they function yet. It looked the best during a scene when she was laying in bed with her husband and had apparently just gotten out of the shower and she wasn't in some boring suit.) The women met in business school and now they all have super awesome jobs in high-powered businesses in New York and half of them have husbands and kids. I don't know their names yet, so, I'm going to go by hair color or their real names, or past characters on other shows.

Lucy Liu's character is obviously the Carrie of the 4, based only on her wardrobe. She wore this thing that reminded me of everything that was wrong with every outfit in Beetlejuice to her engagement party. Considering that around about every 3 episodes, Carrie managed to wear something that made me want to cringe a little and then say to myself, "No, I'm sure it's really amazing, and I just can't see it. Look again...must reevaluate fashion...", I'd say Lucy Liu is definitely on her way to major Carrie status. But her hair always looked awesome.

Miranda Otto's character is intriguing, and she looks so beautiful with red hair and without the armor from Lord of the Rings. Although, I literally just don't like her face when she opens her mouth. As long as she just stands there, that would be great. I'm sure I'll get used to her when she's talking but for now it's a little weird. There's a blonde one...who's character name may or may not be Caitlin....but I'm going to call her Rachel for this week because she played a character named Rachel on The O.C. for a few episodes (yes, the Rachel who tried to steal Sandy away from Kirsten in the first season during the whole court case against The Newport Group debacle...ah, the swamprose lives on) and that's all I can associate her with for now. So, Rachel is cute and a bit rude and a definite supplier of the funny. She is also realizing that she may be gay, a storyline which I think had some surprisingly realistic moments. Then there's Frances O'Connor's character...she's not entirely memorable to me, probably because there wasn't exactly that much going on with her this episode. She has kids. And nanny issues. That's all I can say.

So, that aside, there were some genuine/charming moments in the pilot. Basically anytime Lucy Liu smiled was good. And when she tells Miranda Otto's character, who has just found out that her husband has been cheating on her with someone she knows, to wear something "a little more brave." Just the way she says the word brave is nice and endearing and immediately makes me feel more connected to their friendship. So, kudos to that. And speaking of the cheating, Miranda Otto's speech about knowing that there were other women in other places that her husband is with, and hating it but still loving having someone to be with and make holidays for and how it's difficult to be with women like them because they're so successful, I thought was really well-written and she delivered it in a way that I would never think of, but it still worked for me. And the last line, "So, there it is, the truth about my perfect marriage. But, kids, don't try it at home" could have been a disaster, but Miranda said it with just the right amount of self-pity and humor and twinkle of tears in her eyes and it was one of my favorite moments of the episode.

And Lucy Liu literally said, referring to her boss walking toward her and her fiance, "Oh, here comes Lord Voldemort" so I thought that was adorable. And for Rachel's gay stuff, as someone who is kindof going through the same thing, I thought it was pretty believable - if there were no angst and just funny cuteness. The way Rachel gets flustered after the chick kisses her and the hilarious look on her face when she gets back into her car - kind of like, wtf did I just do but in that sweet, third-grader kind of way. Again, Frances O'Connor didn't do anything interesting enough in this episode to mention. Oh, but she has kids. Did I say that?

Oh, and Pat Fields does all the clothes. So, yea, it is basically Sex and the City with more kids and less sex. But mostly it's just an excuse to watch Lucy Liu every week.

my war paint is sharpie ink

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 04:56:17 GMT

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Speak my mind more often than I bite my tongue.
2. Don't use too much toothpaste, as more than half of it ends up down the drain.
3. Obligatorily, try to eat healthy.
4. Realize where the hell all my money is being spent.
5. Read one book a month I didn't have to buy from half.com to avoid ridiculous bookstore prices
6. Keep promises, because as Peter Panning says, "My word is my bond."
7. Be a dedicated student, friend, daughter, and sister.
8. Remind myself to breath when I have to, and cry when I need to.
9. Get myself to go running before I have the chance to talk myself out of it.
10. Learn when to let love come to me and when I have to pursue it.

a trail for the devil to erase

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 21:52:51 GMT

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Get broken up with, be away from home for 6 consecutive weeks, have more than a sip of alcohol.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I always make resolutions, just because I think it's nice to have goals. But actually keeping them? That's another story entirely. It's pretty short and entitled "Not Going to Happen"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin, Leslie, gave birth to an adorable boy in September, Kai. Maybe the cutest kid I've seen since my other cousin had her baby, Amelia, the year before. I hope this bodes well for my generation of babies. I will predict annoying cuteness for future babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just the States...one of these days I'm gonna wake up in Africa, and it'll be wicked awesome. But until then...

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
confidence, honesty, and just a little corruption.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 17...hopefully by this time next year, I won't even remember the exact day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to be with myself - sad, happy, angry - whatever, and knowing I'll get myself through it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Probably dating Nate too soon. I want to kick myself every time I think about that. Sometimes it's better just to leave things be...and rebounds always cause irresponsible amounts of awkwardness.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, although I got some horrid paper cuts from working in the library. I hate manila folders.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
At the time I was buying it, basically everything was THE BEST THING. And then in a few weeks I leave it at the bottom of my drawer or desk and forget about it. Although, that teal tank from Urban Outfitters for $10 was a little life-changing, I must say.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sister's for always asking me if I was okay even though I hate it, Micaela's for always making me laugh and forget about anything remotely sad, and my hallmates' Emily, Jennifer and Max because I literally don't know where I would be without their friendship.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Tim's, my own, Britney Spears'.

14. Where did most of your money go?
You know, I really don't know. Probably food. Oh, and probably stuff from Sephora that was supposed to remarkable but the only remark I want to make about it is that the tube is too tiny and it only works on people with savagely clear skin.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Harry Potter. It really was the summer of HP, and I'm glad I was able to be a part of it. Stories for the grandkids and all.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Nineteen- Tegan & Sara
Glamorous - Fergie
Holland - Sufjan Stevens

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
At this moment, maybe a little sadder because we were getting ready for our huge New Year's Eve party at this time last year. But I would say I'm more secure compared to this time last year.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Showing emotions, running, speaking up

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being so fucking wishy-washy sometimes, eating, wondering why

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it at home, with my family, watching "Hook", playing Halo, and generally enjoying the merriment of the day.

21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
With friends, at home, probably playing Scene It while my dad makes us drinks and I have the two Mike's Hard Lemonades that my sister bought me this morning. Oh, I'm a rebel.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I definitely fell in lust and fell out of love.

23. How many one-night stands?
Zero...kindof sadly.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office, Weeds, Gossip Girl.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really. Hate seems so trivial when you're on vacation.

26. What was the best book you read?
Atonement.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Band of Horses, the Moldy Peaches (not really MY discovery, but I give many thanks to Juno)

28. What did you want and got?
A summer fling.

29. What did you want but didn't get?
A summer fling.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Juno, Knocked Up, Atonement. It's a true toss-up.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 19 and I giggled a little, ate chinese food, wore a tiara, and watched the Emmy's.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not hooking up with Tim over the summer. What the fuck was I thinking? A note to all: no matter how dramatic or awesome you think it will be, don't do anything with an ex less than 6 months after you've broken up. It'll just screw with you, and he'll just say something asinine like, "Oh, well, that made me see why I thought we should break up in the first place."

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Jeans. And toward the end, boots.

34. What kept you sane?
Family, friends, Tegan & Sara, hot chocolate, and lemons.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I think Katherine Heigl...I heart her hard.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Um, I was pretty upset about those child soldiers when I was watching "Blood Diamond".

37. Who did you miss?
Tim, Lorelei Gilmore, home, and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Technically, I'd already met Max at this time last year, so I can't really say her...um, maybe that waiter, David, at the Elephant Bar. Not because he was especially awesome, but because the whole situation was pretty satisfying and cathartic considering the date.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Your thoughts create your world.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know, and I won't be sad
But in case I'll go there everyday to make myself feel bad
There's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do

you are a damn good kissser, you know that?

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 18:27:47 GMT

The last couple days of this semester were...insane. Novels could be written, but not here.

Yes! I'm SUCH a cuddleslut!

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 01:46:16 GMT

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

Bored. Taking quizzes/becoming enlightened instead of doing homework. Awesome.

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Sequential bisexual.

Complete set of results

Sequential bisexual:		4
Concurrent bisexual:		3
Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		2
Heterosexual:		1
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		1
Asexual:		0
Homosexual:		0
Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		0
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

there's some fierceness ... but chill on the ball change

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 01:52:57 GMT

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU

1. anything horrible happening to anyone I love
2. that i may be going crazy
3. the dark
4. spiders...when they're moving
5. paper cuts
6. driving
7. not feeling comfortable

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR ROOM

1. Spinooti, my fish
2. Teddy, my teddybear
3. My laptop
4. My blow dryer
5. My affirmations
6. Any letter I've ever received while in college
7. My ancient coffee maker

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU

1. I hate talking on the phone
2. I put on way too much perfume
3. I take a pen with me everywhere, just in case
4. I have chocolate syrup in my refrigerator right now that I have only used once
5. I throw some salt over my shoulder every time I use it
6. I bite on every straw I use
7. I go through a whole tube of chapstick in 2 weeks

SEVEN THINGS YOU WISH TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Buy something at a Chanel store
2. Be published in a magazine
3. Go to Ireland and kiss the Blarney Stone
4. Prove the existence of ghosts
5. Be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to change me
6. Go rock climbing
7. Meet my family in England

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO

1. I can do a six tap cramp roll
2. I can read a magazine for hours straight
3. I can apply liquid eyeliner ... mostly
4. I can recite any scene from Mean Girls
5. I can keep a fish alive
6. I can cry on cue
7. I can make Shake and Bake chicken

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T DO

1. I can't whistle
2. I can't get through a class period without doodling
3. I can't keep a plant alive
4. I can't watch Titanic without crying
5. I can't wear Converse
6. I can't tell someone I like them (thanks, Emily...)
7. I can't not celebrate Halloween

SEVEN THINGS ON SOMEONE THAT CATCH YOUR ATTENTION

1. Eyes
2. Cheekbones
3. Hands
4. Hair in someone's eyes
5. Collarbone
6. Hipbone
7. Freckles

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST

1. OMG
2. That's awesome
3. Fuck me
4. That's true
5. I know, right!?
6. Bloody hell
7. You're a lesbian!

SEVEN CELEBRITY CRUSHES

1. Gregory Peck
2. Rachel McAdams
3. James McAvoy
4. Lucy Liu
5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
6. Natalie Portman
7. Paul Rudd

but this is not indelible ink, your hand being moveable type separates

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 07:24:35 GMT

"i spilled my guts on your best shoes, you keep it in, i let it loose. and i don't remember how i let myself get so unravelled. i'm naked, pretty as a heartache and waiting for my second skin to settle in."

So, I lied.

Hearing "I'm with someone" is almost worse than hearing "I don't want to be with you" And reading it did not soften the blow, believe me.

"i followed suit and laid out on my back, imagine that. a million hours left to think of you and think of that"

Her name is Kimberley. She's a freshman at Cal Poly. They make cute with each other on Superpoke, hopefully in a quasi-attempt at any actual physical chemistry. She rocks climbs or some shit. I'm a little angry, I guess.

But mostly, I just feel betrayed. It's like, you couldn't even call me to tell me that oh, btw, i'm gonna have a girlfriend, so don't freak out and almost throw up all over some priceless rare books? Aren't you the one who still wanted to be friends? I don't think this is quite friendly.
Part of me is thinking, maybe it's just a joke...or maybe my ex-boyfriend just got together with some pink power ranger and all i can think is, how did he do this before me? how did HE move on before ME? and how can he do this to me? how can he do this and think that it doesn't have any effect on me and not care enough to wonder if i'm alright?

In other news, one more full week of classes. So much to do. And I kind of don't want to do anything besides watch the L Word and commiserate with poor Alice. Although I didn't keep a shrine. So, I'm not that far gone, I guess.

I kind of made a rule for myself...i talked to him on Thanksgiving and asked him how he was and all that and he was busy and all I thought was, look, he doesn't have time for me...I shouldn't have time for him. There was a moment on Thanksgiving where I looked around and thought, wow, I could've been at Tim's house this year. Or he could have been here. And then I thought, if he were here, he would be sitting in a corner, calculating something and not talking to anyone besides my uncle who he would want to make nice with because he works at Livermore Labs and it was like something clicked into place - I don't want someone who isn't going to try. I looked at Manuel, singing karoake and talking to my cousins and I thought, Megan has someone who is genuinely wanting to be with her and keep her the way she is and love her and have fun with her family and Tim would never do something that. Especially not now, after everything that's happened.
So I told myself that I wouldn't try and talk to him, or text him until I went back home for Winter Break....if by then I'm not going completely crazy, maybe I'll extend it. I just feel like I finally need to stop fighting this. Like I finally need to realize that we're over/we're not getting back together.

Yet, in the wise, wise words of Lauren: Sometimes when you finally stop fighting, the fight comes to you. And now there's this whole thing with Kimberley Mc-FacebookWhore and half of me wants to talk to him and the other half of me is thinking: why? what would i say to him? Oh, congrats! I hope she uses big words and can do Calculus and has already accepted Christ as her personal savior. That will definitely save you time!

It just feels so strange. The idea of him being with someone else. The idea of him not being with me was weird enough, but, this...this is just ridiculous. And people are congratulating him and I hate it. I hate it all. I hate him and I hate her. And I just want to move on already.
In two months, it will be a year. What the hell am I still doing here, stuck in this same feeling?

"Her heart is fit for home, I - a Sparrow - build there sweet twigs and twine my perennial nest."

he is an absolute doll

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 05:31:58 GMT

Thanksgiving was good...random, but good. My grandmother tried to set me up with Tom's son while my cousins sang 'matchmaker, matchmaker' in the background. and we had lumpia and pan sit as part of our thanksgiving meal because my uncle kevin's wife nicky is filipino and a bunch of her family was there. Oh, and the karaoke. Yes, that's right. Come Sail Away, anyone?

"i can feel you all around me, thickening the air i'm breathing"

it's like this crazy itch underneath my skin because i know we're less than 10 minutes away from each other. like i have to see him, have to be around him while i have this chance. it's so pathetic, i know...but what else do i have to take up my time here? My friends cancel plans and i'm stuck here doing homework. and watching antm repeats. And all i can think is, yes, i do want to be on top.

In other news, I want to own land. Not that much land, but an amount. Maybe like 5 acres. My uncle lives out in like Wallace or somewhere near Lockeford and he has this little plot of land with trees and hills and goats. I want something like that - country, but not too country. I won't be milking any cows, but there's something so peaceful about looking around you and seeing that stretch of land that you know belongs to you. i'm really starting to understand this manifest destiny thing.

And from my grandfather, some wise words: Be good to yourself.

You know, I'm trying.

even her toes are stretched out in a small attempt at escape

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:27:31 GMT

So, here is a small grand wish list for my secret santa...whom I truly do not know the identity of...truly.

1. A year subscription to livejournal. It's $20 exactly. But, it is also continuously charged, so you'd have to make sure you make me cancel it before you get charged for another year. Basically, I just want this so that i can keep all my icons on my page. Icons bring me marvelous amounts of joy. Remember that.

2. Rainboots. There are ones on Target.com that are less than $20. I love the ones with cupcakes. Or leopard print. Yes, I'm aware they won't match any of my outfits. That doesn't seem to matter to me at the moment. I'm a 7 1/2, but an 8 in rainboots would be fine.

3. The soundtrack to The Fantasticks...the original please, I don't want slutty McHolland's Opus whore singing that it's gonna rain soon. Although the original woman has a horribly annoying laugh. I'm willing to overlook that.

4. Hook on DVD. Honestly, I don't know how I'm living right now without this on DVD. The same goes for Knocked Up. I don't know how I'm still breathing. And not still laughing about Babe Ruth's gay cousin, Gabe Ruth.

5. Last but certainly not least...I would love another mug. I realize I have about 5 billion, but I always want more. And it should be big...think like the size that Draco's coffee mug would be in basically every fic anyone has ever read. All us fangirls thinking he must LOVE coffee is both endearing and baffling.

6. Oh, and a pony.

So, now that that is done, here's some unofficial grand wishes that I want immediately...it to be actually cold weather. Not this pseudo-I'm-kinda-cold-oh-wait-now-i'm-totally-sunny thing we have going on. It's November. November means cold. And turkey. And apparently quitting things. Anyway, I also want these papers to write themselves. It's like all of a sudden I've lost all confidence in my writing or any idea that I happen to have. I get part of an idea and start writing and then stop and realize how stupid it is and then just start all over again. If anyone could fix that, that would be awesome. Oh, and one last thing...i want this government professor to write me back so i know what I'm getting myself into with this Government thing. If you are Anne Marie Choup and you are reading this, please e-mail me back. My ultimate sanity depends on it. Thanks much.

"don't touch kid, sleep with the lights on, touch kid, how you surprise me now roll kid, rock your body on...something like a phenomenon baby, something like a phenomenon."

I would also love to be able to make some decisions about a few other things...but those are probably more life-long decisions...it kindof sucks when you have to toughen up and say, I told you so...to yourself. What does that indicate about my ability to make an educated decision? Or even an uneducated one.

I realize now that I wrote my American Lit paper about how married people suck and they don't have any friends. No wonder Tom hated the shit out of it. I'm guessing I must have been pretty angry at couples that weekend because I literally wrote "Eliza believes that marriage means isolation from those people that once made you happy." He must think I am a crazy single freak who hates the idea of shacking up. And that I have been watching way too much Sex and the City. Which I am. But that isn't the point.

So, I will continue to try and write these papers. I truly do not know how they will turn out. And i just hope I don't end up with all B's this semester and my GPA goes sadly downhill. But, for now, I will try to just concentrate on Bernini's mastery over his materials corresponding to the scene he chose to create in "Pluto and Proserpina" I hate Roman mythological names. Persephone is way cuter. And much easier to spell.

i can't catch her, emerson

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 20:52:10 GMT

there's something about watching two people fall for each other. Not even on a movie screen, or on t.v., but in real life. just watching it happen - there's something about it that makes you not able to look away.

christie brought her guy to class today and it was sort of like watching someone you think you know, but on a higher frequency or something. in american lit, while strychacz rambled about the biblical overtones in sojourner's "ain't i a woman" speech, their feet tap against each other, obviously communicating somehow without even saying anything. slowing spelling out a rhythm with their toes and their hushed whispers of words no one else is supposed to hear. it's things like that that i miss. the non-verbal, terribly irrational, inside conversations, the predictability of finding that certain smile every time you glance over. There was something in the way that she put out her hands and he immediately started clapping against them with his - a knowing of how they work and what they do; it was almost heartbreaking, the simplicity of just seeing two people getting closer and knowing you're maybe getting farther away from them now, just because there doesn't seem to be enough space in the area for anyone other than them.

it's not like i blame her - she's the one doing what you're supposed to do after a break-up. it's like it's being played out in front of me as a very explicit example. Do this! Be this! Find this!

girls, where have the hamsters gone?

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 23:54:40 GMT

"Oh, I'm getting tired of believing, even sicker of pretending
That it's not that bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again.
The only good man left wasn't him,
And that's how I feel right now, so just let me be...let me be."

Oh, Kelly Clarkson...you sing my feelings SO much better than I could.....

So, it's particularly annoying when people are sitting RIGHT next to you in a computer lab and they don't even say hi. It's particularly annoying when, a week in a half ago, people were coming in to a room with you in it and being all like, "Hi, oh, I'm finally going to talk now and act like I didn't just run away from you like a 5-year old in a museum." It's really particularly annoying when people wear that hat, and when people sit next to their girlfriends in Founders...it' so annoying that it makes you just want to forget people all together. So, maybe that's what I will do.

I hate the concept of a career. I don't really hate it, but I guess I hate choosing it. I grew up not really knowing what a career was. My parents didn't really have careers while I was growing up, they just had jobs. My mom has been at the phone company for almost 30 years now and she just started working there to make some money. My dad took over my grandfather's lock shop and all that, but it wasn't what he wanted to do. Now, with the whole real estate thing, he's finally doing something he enjoys which I love. But it's really just left me with a concept of working or having a job being something you don't really have to enjoy, you just have to do. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with this picking a major thing. I don't want to end up like my parents, in jobs that they don't really enjoy and then have to change everything 20 years down the line. I want to find that thing I lovelovelove and will love forever. That perfect job that will make everything make sense and fall into line and give me lots of money and/or happiness. Is that too much to ask for?

I'm starting to think though that maybe I should look at choosing a career in the same way that I look at finding a soul mate - there's a lot of ones you can choose from, and maybe one is better than most, but you could probably be pretty happy with almost any of them. Which is quite sad if you think about it, but I think it's helping.

And on another note, and another person... the saddest, pretty much truest song ever....
" I drink good coffee every morning, comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking, without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy, what is closer to the truth is
That if i lived till I was 102, I just don't think I'll ever get over you.
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky, cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs, I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me, your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here, after all these years
I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you."

I think I'm waiting for the day that one of us calls the other and says, "I've met someone." That would just make things a lot easier.

Oh, and one more song, just because I really do love the music of the Fantasticks, and things would all be so much better if we were in a musical.

"When the moon was young, when the month was May
When the stage was hung for my holiday
I saw shining lights, but I never knew:
They were you, they were you, they were you.

When the dance was done, when I went my way
When I tried to find rainbows far away,
All the lovely lights, seemed to fade from view:
They were you, they were you, they were you.

Without you near me, I can't see
When you're near me, wonderful things come to be.

Every secret prayer, every fancy free
Everything I dared for both you and me
All my wildest dreams, multiplied by two
They were you, they were you...they were you."

and i won't take a dare

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 07:50:51 GMT

"in spain the best upper sets do it..."

It's borderline crazy to think that Halloween is in two days. It's one of those things that I dream about for the rest of the year and then suddenly it's here and then it's gone, and then I just end up waiting for it all over again.

Not much else to say except the usual stuff....time is moving so quickly, classes are going by....

I can't wait for cold weather. Turtlenecks, scarves....since I've been back here it's been hot. I brought back hoodies for a reason, damnit.

Relationships in general annoy me. Boys are heartbreaking, girls are infuriating. It's like there's really no way to win.

"I will not stay if you ask me to stay, do not ask me to stay because i will not...stay. why do we always collide?"

All i can say is I'm glad we're gaining an hour, although I feel like all I've done this weekend is sit around and wait for t.v. shows to load, or for people to stop talking about investments. It's been a large weekend of sitting. And longing.

For a couple of weeks now Tim and I have been texting or IMing on Sundays. It has been like our time, to talk and catch up. I didn't talk to him last week because I was too busy getting back into things and i didn't talk to him today because we went to see the Mills Players do The Children's Hour (which took me SO far back it was a little ridiculous. But so good...i miss everything about theater). And all I'm thinking about is, I wonder if he's thinking at all about this fact. About the little bit of time we made for eachother the last few weeks. I think he's probably not, but it doesn't make me want to talk to him any less. Sometimes, it's nice just to hear someone's voice, you know?

"I have loved you the way they said."

But for now, I just want to enjoy the time I have left before Halloween, admire my Jolly Roger pumpkin, and wait for the witching hour to begin.